So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
