Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
