she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
