I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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