I CAN MOONWALK!
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
