i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
