My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
