Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
