there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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