The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
