you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
