if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
