her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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