I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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