swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
They are going to name an STD after you.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
