like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
