I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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