You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
