I'm so fucking centered right now
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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