I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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