just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
are you still at the devil's house?
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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