what day is it and did you see me today?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
