Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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