I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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