at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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