Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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