she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
