started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
