last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
