god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
