i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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