omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
