I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
