Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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