There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
