you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
