just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
