Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
