it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
