Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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