I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
