Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
