She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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