he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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