Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
