It's Friday. Sex?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
