I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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