you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
