there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
