He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
