Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
